Come on America, Give Christina a Break

Hod Hasharon, Israel—I missed the Super Bowl because it started at 1:30 a.m. here. But the internet menu today permitted a recreation of every moment from every angle, with special emphasis on the non-football parts. And as the Middle East convulses, America couldn’t get enough of Christina Aguilera-bashing. Ha! Just kidding.

No, actually, I’m kidding about the kidding.

Poor Christina. She left some stuff out of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh my the huffing and the puffing and the sniffing and the pissing! You’d think she left some stuff out of the Constitution (wait, the Republicans did do that), or left some stuff out of the Declaration of Independence (wait, Barack Obama did do that). Well, anyway, the national sense of violation, of travesty, of mutilation is fully ignited, and Christina is America’s favorite punching bag. Poor girl’s launching a national apology tour.

I say, Christina, you go. Sing it your way! I’ve got your back!

Full disclosure: I served proudly in the culture war that posed the bitter question: who’s better—Christina or Britney? I was fiercer then. Such indeed was my fearsomeness that some Britney defenders, I was informed when that war was over, had merely pretended to be Christina defenders. Now I’m a kindler, gentler compassionate conservative, who doesn’t get out much, lest I shoot my entire compassion wad in an afternoon. But the old loyalty persists.

So again I say, you go Christina. Sing it your way.

It’s a difficult song. I know. I’ve tried to sing it. Earlier today. I wanted some intimacy with the experience before purporting to write about it.

So I retired to the venue where I am well known as “the talent.” I’m talking about the shower. I belted out a splendid Star Spangled Banner.

Oh say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming
Whose broad stripes and bright stars
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmmm
And the rocket’s red glare the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there
Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Hmmmm
And the home of the brave.

America—don’t lie. You do it too.

It’s a difficult song people. Americans are not difficult or complicated. Why is our national anthem difficult and complicated? The British – they’re difficult and complicated. So difficult and complicated, their drinking songs are as difficult and complicated as our national anthem. In fact, the melody for our national anthem – this is a true fact – comes from a popular British drinking song.

Which is particularly odd because Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that became our Star Spangled Banner while held captive on a British warship during the War of 1812. So we appropriated a difficult and complicated melody from an enemy drinking song and made it our national anthem. How complexly Greek, and neither Americans nor Greeks are Greek.

So come on, Christina wasn’t disrespectful, just forgetful, with no humming option. And let’s face it. She’s advanced in years for a pop star. A little compassion people.


8 Responses to Come on America, Give Christina a Break

  1. Wow! I didn’t know the melody comes from a drinking song. Hahaha. Figures. 🙂 Awesome of you to defend Christina. It was a bummer for me because that’s my favorite part of the Superbowl. I got over it quickly by watching Jordin Sparks again. 🙂

    I don’t think she was disrespectful either. She just messed up like we all do. That said, this is the 3rd time she’s messed up the anthem, so maybe the Superbowl people could have vetted a little better. 😉

  2. whiteylawful says:

    The ragged whore complements the festivity.

  3. Kathy says:

    Agreed! Both my husband and my daughter have performed the anthem at various events and they are always nervous about it! Coming from a family of performers, we feel her pain.

  4. Paul Grubbs says:

    Anybody can choke under pressure, forget the words, miss a note, wet your pants, etc. We were way too hard on her for messing up but all these extemporaneous melodies which hicks like me call caterwauling are getting on my last nerve. Just sing the damn song or dont! Call me when its safe to join the game already in progress. Another round of moderation s.v.p.

  5. Terrance H. says:

    I don’t care, to be honest. I’m tired of Christina Aguilera, Britney Spears, Brad Pitt, Tom Cruise, Carmen Dias, Charlie Sheen, and every other two-bit celebrity plastered on nightly news.

    People who sit glued to the television when cameras catch Charlie Sheen walking out of rehab have to be the most pathetic people in existence, I’m sorry to say.

    The majority of celebrities mentioned are going to find themselves a spot in the comic book of history – and rightly so.

    • Truth is, me neither Terrance. But taking a whimsical break from time to time is good for the soul.

      • Terrance H. says:

        Oh, don’t think I was criticizing your choice of topic. It may have sounded like that, but I’m always looking for an opening to bash celebrities I hear about too much about. Night-owls like myself unfortunately catch glimpses of TMZ while channel surfing, and they, as you may know, jabber incessantly about Charlie Sheen, Christina Aguilera, and other two-bit celebrities too rich to be happy. It just gets old.

        Lately, though, I’m been researching all night every night on, so ‘s been a bit since I heard anything about Aguilera or Sheen or Spears or you get the point; I was starting to feel at peace…..

        In any event, I learned that my 11th great-grandfather was a Knight; one Sir Thomas Kinnery. I also found out I have Jewish heritage. And here I thought I was all Irish-Catholic.

  6. Pingback: The UK, France and Egypt Need a First Amendment « The Prince and The Little Prince

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