Come on America, Give Christina a Break
February 7, 2011 8 Comments
Hod Hasharon, Israel—I missed the Super Bowl because it started at 1:30 a.m. here. But the internet menu today permitted a recreation of every moment from every angle, with special emphasis on the non-football parts. And as the Middle East convulses, America couldn’t get enough of Christina Aguilera-bashing. Ha! Just kidding.
No, actually, I’m kidding about the kidding.
Poor Christina. She left some stuff out of the Star Spangled Banner. Oh my the huffing and the puffing and the sniffing and the pissing! You’d think she left some stuff out of the Constitution (wait, the Republicans did do that), or left some stuff out of the Declaration of Independence (wait, Barack Obama did do that). Well, anyway, the national sense of violation, of travesty, of mutilation is fully ignited, and Christina is America’s favorite punching bag. Poor girl’s launching a national apology tour.
I say, Christina, you go. Sing it your way! I’ve got your back!
Full disclosure: I served proudly in the culture war that posed the bitter question: who’s better—Christina or Britney? I was fiercer then. Such indeed was my fearsomeness that some Britney defenders, I was informed when that war was over, had merely pretended to be Christina defenders. Now I’m a kindler, gentler compassionate conservative, who doesn’t get out much, lest I shoot my entire compassion wad in an afternoon. But the old loyalty persists.
So again I say, you go Christina. Sing it your way.
It’s a difficult song. I know. I’ve tried to sing it. Earlier today. I wanted some intimacy with the experience before purporting to write about it.
So I retired to the venue where I am well known as “the talent.” I’m talking about the shower. I belted out a splendid Star Spangled Banner.
Oh say can you see by the dawn’s early light
What so proudly we hailed at the twilight’s last gleaming
Whose broad stripes and bright stars
Hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmm hmmmmm
And the rocket’s red glare the bombs bursting in air
Gave proof through the night
That our flag was still there
Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm-Hmmm-Hmmm Hmmm Hmmm-mmm-mmm-mmm-mmm Hmmmm
And the home of the brave.
America—don’t lie. You do it too.
It’s a difficult song people. Americans are not difficult or complicated. Why is our national anthem difficult and complicated? The British – they’re difficult and complicated. So difficult and complicated, their drinking songs are as difficult and complicated as our national anthem. In fact, the melody for our national anthem – this is a true fact – comes from a popular British drinking song.
Which is particularly odd because Francis Scott Key wrote the poem that became our Star Spangled Banner while held captive on a British warship during the War of 1812. So we appropriated a difficult and complicated melody from an enemy drinking song and made it our national anthem. How complexly Greek, and neither Americans nor Greeks are Greek.
So come on, Christina wasn’t disrespectful, just forgetful, with no humming option. And let’s face it. She’s advanced in years for a pop star. A little compassion people.