God Is A Libertarian

God Is a Libertarian

by Kendrick Macdowell

I reach this conclusion reluctantly, and only after many years of contemplation.  I can even say I wish it were otherwise.  I truly wish God were a moderate Republican.  I tried to make that case. I failed.  I am obliged to reveal that God is in fact a libertarian.

I am not a libertarian, by the way, which is logical proof that I am not God.  (I am a moderate Republican.)  I am close to libertarian, however, which is not logical proof, strictly speaking, that I am close to God.

Now you might think God would favor theocracy above all.  I thought about that.  Theocracy: a form of government in which God is recognized as the supreme ruler.  If I’m God (not, see above), the government that installs Me as supreme ruler gets points for wisdom and good judgment.  But then, after a few years of vague discomfort with this easy conclusion, I tried to put myself in God’s shoes.

So work with for a moment with me as God.  I (God) don’t actually rule.  Humans rule and profess to speak for Me.  This has two down-sides.  First, any time these humans sneeze, it has the farcical force of divine inspiration.

Second, and excuse me for getting a little testy here (I mean God, not me), you think teenagers are misunderstood?!  My bloody middle name is Misunderstood!  Has been for aeons.  God Misunderstood God.  So theocracy turns out to be misunderstoodocracy. Or strictly Greekly speaking, paranoisiocracy.

So I jettison theocracy/paranoisiocracy.  God’s political sensibility resides elsewhere.  But where? I was determined to find out.

My next thought was a benevolent dictatorship of a Godly man or woman (or transgendered human), but comfort in this rumination only lasted a few months.  I was in excruciating semantic denial.  A benevolent dictatorship is not, strictly speaking, a form of government, but a coupling of evil and a nice adjective.  Like tasty broccoli.

And, although history is full of examples of benevolent dictatorships (just kidding), the dictator’s children tend to be brutal little shits (not kidding).

So I’m thinking and thinking.  Is God, I ponder, a Liberal Democrat? (Mindful that liberal and democrat now mean the opposite of what they used to mean — much like “Republican” used to mean “the party formed in the mid-19th century to oppose slavery” and now means “the party violently promoting slavery.”)

God as Liberal Democrat made imminent sense.  Obviously, God would want to be sort of like Spock (not Leonard Nemoy, who is not Spock).  Greatest good for the greatest abstraction.  Sacrifice of the one for the many, or the many for the many.  Perfect!  But — unfortunately — that is why God could not possibly be a Liberal Democrat: if God sacrificed Himself for the Greater Good, then God would no longer exist.  And if God didn’t exist, then God couldn’t possibly be a Liberal Democrat. QED.  Also, God likes actual human beings.

And that sent me spiraling downward into the bowels of the Republican party. But moderate or conservative?  I confess I lingered with Moderate Republican longer than I should have.  It was only when Arlen Specter bolted that I experienced misgivings.  I mean, seriously, you don’t lightly leave God for greener pastures.

Conservative Republican?  On the plus side, they cling to their guns and religion.  Negatively, the vast right-wing conspiracy got its ass kicked in 2008.  And God does not ever get His Ass kicked.  So God could not possibly be a conservative Republican.

I was disconsolate.  What could God Be?  I briefly toyed, suicidally, with the prospect of apolitical.  But I live in Washington DC.  Apolitical would mean ceasing to exist. Meaning God could not possibly be apolitical. (See above.)

I consulted ancient texts. An admittedly minor deity, Ronald Reagan, once said, “the nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'”  With these 19 words (19 is a mystical number — according to the Qur’an, the number of angels guarding hell is — no, not 18 or 20 — yes, 19), Swami Reagan launched the war on terror.

I meditated on the number 19.  Sir Arthur Conan Doyle said, “once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. Word. Word. Word. Word.” 19 words.  I had convincingly eliminated everything except libertarianism.  Ergo.  Cogito sum.

God is a libertarian.  Upon deep (seriously) reflection, this made sense.  God loves large-scale projects (like the universe, which continues to inflate but generates jobs).  But if God actually ruled the universe, the United Nations Human Rights Council would issue a condemnation for Choosing Jews, which is a patent violation of universal rights.  We know from Saint Anselm that God is a being a greater than which cannot be conceived, and a being condemned by the Human Rights Council is plainly lesser than a being not condemned by the Human Rights Council, such as Iran, Syria, and North Korea.  Therefore (and this is why I love logic), God must have no interest in actually ruling the universe and prefers to let it freely play out.  See what happens.  Short the United States if necessary.


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